This picture will most likely mean nothing to most people, but to me it was an answer to my prayers today! Here is why?
Lately I have been struggling with being a stay at home mom. I sometimes feel like I am being judged because "all I do is stay at home." I also have huge expectations for myself to become a family counselor, specializing in working with youth. I struggle with getting started right away on my Masters Degree so that I can begin that career. I've longed for that career, I've craved that career at times, I've day dreamed of what that career would entail ever since I got my Bachelors Degree in Psychology from ASU in 2003. So needless to say I've had a long time to envision this career as a counselor. It's going to be a beautiful career by the way :)
I have already spent a good deal of time looking into schools, both online and on campus programs to get my Masters. I'm pretty sure I want to go to Grand Canyon University for their program that is every Thursday evening for two years. Big commitment, especially considering the distance to Phoenix. But I already know I love the classroom setting much more than online classes!! It makes me excited to think about getting my Masters, but at the same time overly stressed!
As I only have my little Ella Jane at home now during the day while the older kids are at school, I keep thinking maybe I should go back to school RIGHT NOW. The problem is when I have that thought it feels like it isn't coming from my heart, if that makes sense. The thought comes from my own pressures and some outside pressures I feel to do something more than "just be a stay at home mom." It just worked out that I am older and still have a little one at home. It wasn't my plan for it to work this way, it was His plan. Sometimes His plan throws off my plan. And being the planner that I am, it can complicate things at times. So I struggle sometimes.....
Most of my friends my age have all their kids in school and are working outside the home. So there is that pressure and maybe a tiny bit of jealousy on my part. But really when I am honest with myself I want to be a stay at home mom for now, while I have a few years left with Ella! I already know these few sweet years will go by in the blink of an eye and I'll soon find myself in the right place to get my Masters and have that longed for career. So why do I keep stressing out about not being able to do everything I want to do all at the same time? Or why do I keep making myself think I have to do everything all at the same time. I don't know the answer to that.
I am lucky enough to financially not have to work out of the home. I realize this is a great blessing and I thank my Heavenly Father everyday for this blessing. Honestly I do, because I realize a lot of people do not share this same luxury!
Today as I laid Kiersten's clean clothes in her room today for her to put away, I caught a glimpse of these two little miniature dolls that sit amongst her Little Things Collection. These two tiny plastic dolls are mine from when I was around 6 years old. When I was young, I would get to pick one or two plastic dolls like these out every time my mom took this elderly lady, Doris Roisman, to the doctor in Tucson. As long as I was good on the trip. We always stopped at the Tucson Mall so Doris could buy a few clothes and I would get a tiny doll.
Oh how I loved these dolls! I can vividly remember playing with these dolls in the car and keeping them in my pocket to play with. I remember wishing for the day when I could be a mom myself! I remember thinking "that will be the best days of my life when I get to have my own kids!" I love babies and children, I have since a very young age. I babysat for people a ton when I was a teenager because I loved kids so much. I looked forward to being in the very stage that I am in now since my childhood. I was reminded of this fact today as I caught a glance of these dolls.
So my answer to the stress I keep putting on myself, is to relax and try my best to enjoy this stage. Even if I had planned on being at a different stage when I got to this age. It's fine! Actually it's more then fine it's GREAT! I spend a large amount of time dreaming of being in this stage of life, so I need to spend my time trying to enjoy it instead of longing for the next stage. And I am going to try to do just that. I am so grateful for the tiny ways Heavenly Father answers our prayers and brings us comfort.
Working on ENJOYING THE MOMENT and FINDING JOY IN THE JOURNEY!
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